Dear future wife,
First of all, I know it’s a bit weird
writing such a letter to you but I wonna thank you even for the courage to think of
me as your potential husband. You also have to bear with my long writings, you
would come to appreciate later that I’ve become a bit more poetic hence I put a few thoughts on paper especially when I’m lazy and
bored. I’m not the best; I try. I should also want to let you know that you won’t
just be marrying a man; you would be marrying a character: one that’s full of life, hopeful, smart, purposeful,
loving yet dramatic, annoying, ambitious, adventurous and abrasive sometimes. I
think you should brace yourself for a good marriage however, I trust you have a
big heart and can take all the nonsense that comes with men like me.
Look, you should know that growing up has
done a lot to me; don’t be carried away by the nice stories my mum may tell you
about my childhood. Everybody is usually sweet and loving in their childhood, I
was too; I was a precocious child, I asked too many questions, used expressions
that adults would usually use and I was somewhat cute and charming, curly haired,
had nice dimples and all.I bet you can tell what I've become now. On the other hand, I would become a bit apprehensive if
your mum shows me the books you read as a child especially if I see Cinderella,
Snow white amongst others. Don’t tell me you’ve had those dreadlocks since you
were three. I say these with all the passion I can command because I may not
marry a woman like you with too many fantasies. In fact, I can’t stand too many fairy-tales in my marriage life.
You see, growing up with my grandma has
made me appreciate the realities of this life. Unlike you, I may never have had
all the play toys I wanted, if I ever cared for one. I didn’t even attend the
good schools I wanted to though I remain the kind of student every teacher could ever wish to
have since I started schooling. As for where I grew up, the stories would be
very much known to you later when I start singing the Ga National anthems.. But you see, the truth is I’m very much cherished by my
people, more reason why it behooves on you to cherish me more if you ever
become my wife. I know you may claim to love me for who I am and though I never
get tired of such cliches, I’m hoping that our future marriage and family life
would make you understand what it means to love a husband like me for who I am.
I trust you would be gorgeous
and attractive.
I am that crazy, you know I like fooling a
lot. Sometimes I make jokes out of the most serious things that come up. People
tell me I have a wild sense of humour and I thank God, because one day we can
ignore the advertisements for the night of thousand and twenty seven laughs.
That reminds me, when did you say you would like to get married? We can both
laugh over that one and later prepare ourselves to face the reality that, I am
not rushing into marriage. It’s not for any mischievous reasons; I just want to
establish myself before I can settle. Our kids must not live the kind of life I
had. They deserve better even before they are born. And by the way, I’d like
you to know that it’s probably going to be just two of them. We may bargain if
you want more or you could probably get one from outside. You see that’s how
annoying I can be. I can sometimes say anything to you sometimes when I feel like. My
words can really be nerve-consuming. I can ruffle your feathers with my bluntness
and sarcasm. It doesn’t make me arrogant. If you think it’s that bad, then you
can get married to my friend, Nana Agyei. Though I can’t determine what you may look
like, please promise me you won’t put on too much weight and you would
quickly wake up when I call for morning joggings. We both need your tummy in shape.
My dear, you don’t want to hear about my
egos. I’ve got too many of them sometimes I don’t know which of them to put on.
Thankfully, a few experiences have compelled
me to deal with them. I know egos
can be really bad for our marriage considering the fact that you may be another
no-nonsense character. I also can be quite emotional, I can’t deal with too
many hurtful things, and I would usually ventilate my pains in a very bizarre
way. I can throw tantrums all over the place and return you with some of the
world’s hurtful words, reasons for which I hate feeling betrayed and bitter. You
can be assured however that I would render apologies if I have to. Besides I’m
never going to lay a finger on you, I hate being physical. My greatest weapon
is my big mouth or a few times, my loud silence. People think I’m talkative,
well I simply never get tired of talking aside a few boring times, you
should be prepared to enjoy my long talks; I hate it when I’m not given audience.
What can be more dangerous is the day I would coil into my shelf. I have this
funny issue of mood swing that can get me silent and not talking to anybody, I
don’t pick calls especially when this condition sets in. It can be that bad and
sometimes more frequent that I can expect. I know you would get used to it. The
clue is that I become hyperactive when am around people; it could be more
dangerous to desert me. I’m the type that would want to keep you awake to talk
to you even while I prepare for a life threatening exams. I just take life easy
sometimes; there should be no cause for alarm. “Bibiaa beye fine”. Before
anything, also allow me to say that I like my bed space in the dark. I can
sleep in a room a whole year without having to put on the lights especially
when I’m alone. I hope we can keep some really dark, gloomy and cozy bedroom in
the future. Don’t worry, it’s the bedroom that matters, forget about the rest.
You can fix the sun in the living room if you want.
I also like to let you know that there are a
few attitudes I can’t put up with: useless petty squabbles, impulsiveness,
pretence, lies, cheating, ungratefulness, stealing, nagging and a few others I
hope you would come to find out. I also should make you understand however
that, I’m a bit uncomfortable when people become insecure around me, I usually
can’t take too many apologies, too many appreciative remarks, too many
acknowledgements and praises; they embarrass me. I quite don’t enjoy being put on
the spot or being the fulcrum around which everything revolves. As a wife, you
have to challenge my orders, flout some of them, argue your points out and tell
me your mind if you have to. It makes me feel sober and make me feel I’m being
cared for. However, you ought to treat me with the necessary respect and pamper
me like a boy most of the times. You see, I’m not that wicked as the thickness
of my head may suggest, you just pamper me small and you have your wish being
my command. I like to help people a lot and reason along with them whilst we
share and solve their challenges together; you have to learn to open up to me.
By the way, if you are looking out to marry a
highly decent, overly pampered, anti-social, prim and proper gentleman with too
many values, family names and principles to keep, then please, be looking
elsewhere. I’m not one of those laid back, suit and tie, brown shoe brown belt,
white singlet gentleman who would tuck their singlet into their brief before
wearing their pants. I can be agitative, blunt and troublesome sometimes and I
don’t keep too many friends but I’ve got a few noisy friends who can get you
agitated. Simply put, I live in a world
of my own and you must learn to appreciate me or change me for the better.
That’s all
I think you would love this part of the
letter most because they carry some of the headaches you would bear in the
future: The things I hate doing at home or feel lazy doing. I don’t like taking
clothes off the drying line. I hate drying things on the line when I hang them
actually, though I can make do with the stress of the other laundry work. I
feel lazy washing bowls sometimes and sometimes washing my own hands after
eating kenkey takes some time. I like clean bed sheets yet I hate laying beds.
I hate it when you shout my name from afar when I’m asleep, it gives me
headache. I hate being infuriated early in the mornings. I hate taking too many
orders. I hate living my life to please people and I very much detest the idea
of having to live in a way that I may not offend people. I don’t like being too
careful actually and I really dislike it when you flip the channels like most
of you women do while I’m watching something I find very important on
television. I would just get up and leave so you can swallow the T.V. If after
doing all that you can’t can’t argue
with me on politics, history, fiction, ethics, morality, logic, syntax or
semantics when I need to, then you would find yourself in trouble I find so
much pleasure in unnecessary arguments most often. Lest I forget, I also hate
ironing especially when the clothes are in bulk.
Now as I said earlier, I like to help a lot,
it doesn’t mean you should take advantage of this. I find the kitchen a very
boring place sometimes. Though I can fix a few things, becoming a man has made
me realize that it feels more lazy slicing onions and vegetables, frying things
than digging at the backyard. We can make do with a few of the other demands
at home. For example, it will interest you to know that I like scrubbing
actually.
Finally, future wife, I like you to know
that I can be very naughty in bed, that makes me caring and loving as well, I do love God, I’m very
responsible and sober though carefree a few times. I’m naturally a reflective
person and I like to think and see into the future most at times. I’m a
go-getter and I would stop at nothing to ensure a comfortable life for myself
and my family. My future plans towards marriage are a bit hazy sometimes but I’m
certain I can be the kind of husband you want especially if you can keep
friends with me and trust me for some time. It would take time and lots of
patience to finally accept and appreciate the class of men I belong to, but
like I always say: I’m a good man.
It won’t be long when I would come to do the
knocking ceremony.
God bless you.
Your future husband,
Chairman.
